Appraising
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An employer/employee appraisal turns argumentative and asks the character defining question of whether or not you would remain in hell if the devil paid you enough.
Small office setting. Two employees talking.
Employee 1
I just don’t see why I have to go through this. It’s totally depressing and it won’t change anything.
Employee 2
It’s a requirement, office procedure, it’s not going to hurt.
Employee 1
It’ll hurt me. That asshole hates me, you know that.
Employee 2
Just sit there, listen to the spiel and it’ll be over.
Employee 1
Spiel is right. Business jargon bullshitter. Screw that. I’m not lying, I’m telling it straight, what I think.
Employee 2
That’s not a good idea and do you think everyone in this place doesn’t already know what you think of this company, of the boss? Walking out halfway through last month’s sales meeting to have a cigarette kind of gave it away.
Employee 1
That’s why I know I’m going to get shat on during this appraisal.
Employee 2
Be like me, I keep telling you. Do your job and shut the fuck up. This is an easy gig.
Employee 1
No it’s not and I don’t know why you think that. We should be getting paid a lot more for the work we do. It’s bullshit.
Employee 2
Then leave and find a better paid job or quit complaining.
Employee 1
It’s just not that easy to go out and find a great job, you know that. And do you think I’m going to get a great reference from here, no chance.
Employee 2
So you hate being here and you’re putting the blame on not leaving because of the reference you might get? The path you choose in life has nothing to do with your employer, that’s your responsibility. I don’t know why you make it so hard for yourself, live with it, plenty do.
Employee 1
I think I’m depressed.
Employee 2
You’re not depressed, you’re just pissed off, there’s a big difference. Believe me, I know.
Employee 1
I feel trapped. Just seeing this building every morning makes me depressed. I feel my stomach sinking every single day, knowing I have to spend another eight hours here.
Employee 2
And yet you come in every single day, just like I do, just like everyone here does. You’ve been here two years already, if you really wanted to leave…. well.
Employee 1
Even hell will give you an incentive not to reach for heaven.
Another office. Employer and employee 1 sit across from each other.
Employer
You know, out of all my employees I feel you are the one I am least in simpatico with and I realise that some of that might be my fault. I don’t think we’ve ever really talked at all except in an employer employee manner.
Employee 1
Well you are my boss.
Employer
That doesn’t mean we can’t have friendly conversation now and again.
Employee 1
It’s just work, it’s nothing personal.
Employer
Good employer employee relationships are the foundation of a harmonious workplace, wouldn’t you agree?
Employee 1
I think there are also other important considerations.
Employer
Good, get me up to speed on your thoughts. I’d like to hear them. Maybe I can take them on board and implement them into the system. We are all about robust system processes.
Employee 1
(whispers)
Good grief.
Employer
Excuse me?
Employee 1
I’ve been here two years and never had a pay rise although I was promised that I would get one after being here six months.
Employer
Straight to the point, money.
Employee 1
You can’t expect good employer employee relationships if you don’t keep promises or pay workers a decent salary.
Employer
You don’t think you are paid a decent salary?
Employee 1
I take a bus to work you’ve just bought a new Mercedes, what do you think?
Employer
I’ve helped built this business up in the last ten years, you’ve only worked here for two. But really, how you spend your salary is your business.
Employee 1
I’ve worked here two years and never had the promised salary increase.
Employer
I’m sure you’ll find in your contract that it states the salary increase wasn’t a guarantee, only that your salary would be reviewed before a decision was made on an increase.
Employee 1
So you reviewed it and decided I didn’t deserve an increase?
Employer
Well you know there are a lot of variables to be considered.
Employee 1
Variables?
Employer
Yes, such as how much profit the company has made in the previous year and how your work in particular is a benefit towards increasing the company’s profits.
Employee 1
And you feel my work has not been of any benefit to the company?
Employer
You told a customer last week that they wouldn’t need our product, that it was unnecessary and that it really wouldn’t help them in any way whatsoever. You basically told them to save their money.
Employee 1
What?
Employer
Isn’t it true that this is what you told a customer during a sales call?
Employee 1
How do you know that?
Employer
Customer service satisfaction checks. Someone we hire calls the workplace to gauge employee service levels, to find out if they are giving customers the service they deserve. We do it regularly. Like a secret shopper.
Employee 1
But that’s spying.
Employer
It’s not spying, I regard it as staff training and this method is outlined in the staff handbook. This procedure helps me to locate a problem, if I think there is a problem, and then I can work out how to fix that problem. I pay you to do a job, part of which is to sell our products to customers. A customer phones wanting to buy one of our products and you persuade them otherwise? Would you call that a benefit to our company?
Employee 1
Would you rather I lied and told them we could help them? I consider what I did to be better customer service than lying to the customer.
Employer
It’s not lying to point out how our products could be of benefit to the customer.
Employee 1
Customers aren’t stupid. If that had been a real customer and I’d sold them something that would have been of absolutely no use to them then don’t you think that would have given this company a bad reputation?
Employer
You know our products, you know that they can be of use to everyone. You should have pointed that out.
Employee 1
Only because our products are the type where there is no comeback for us if it’s of no use to the customer. We can sell them this advice, if that’s even what it even is, but it doesn’t mean they need it or can use it. It’s like life coaching, if it works then fine, if it doesn’t then it’s not our fault but some people simply don’t need it and to tell them they do is a lie.
Employer
So you don’t value our product, is that what you are trying to tell me?
Employee 1
I value it in the same way as I value a horoscope. It’s pretty much on that level. People can read whatever they want into it.
Employer
Whether you value it or not doesn’t really make any difference to me. Whether you do your job, which is to sell it, does make a difference.
Employee 1
So you’re basically telling me to lie to the customers?
Employer
It’s not lying if you point out the benefits instead focussing on how the product would be of no use. Everyone can benefit from it at some point or other.
Employee 1
Omitting the negatives is as bad as lying if you ask me.
Employer
That’s maybe the way you do things but it’s not the way we do things. This is work, it’s not ethics one on one. We’re here to make money, to be profitable. If we’re not profitable then who do you think has to answer to the owners?
Employee 1
You?
Employer
That’s right.
Employee 1
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Tags: boss, business jargon, cigarette, eight hours, employee, employer, gig, job, money, pay rise, selling out, single day