The Chairman Of The Oregon Republican Party Is Creating Zombies! But Why? A Batshit Crazy News Expose!
You may remember Art, that silly crazy professor from Oregon that ran for congress twice and lost. On his second attempt he had his son Opie run on the opposing party’s ballot during the primaries. He had hoped that in the end he could run against his own toothy grinned offspring, but it just didn’t work out. Maybe his name isn’t actually Opie, but he sure looks like him. This must have impressed the Republicans of Oregon because they made him their leader, WAHOO! That’s right folks, I’m talking about none other than Art Robinson, and he’s now the Chairman of the Oregon Republican Party! Way to go Art!
As you may recall Art wants to put radioactive waste in the concrete of our homes, and sprinkle it on our heads via crop dusters because it’s good for us. He also wants to abolish public schools because they’re nationalized child-abuse you see. Art pushes his own brand of home schooling curriculum that he developed. Art has a strict set of rules, and children must not use a computer until they’ve mastered calculus. Therefore, all class material produced on CD must be printed out for children to read before they learn calculus. Wise rules from a wise man.
Art is a scientist with diplomas and everything, and he will send you a photograph of any one of them if send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $35 cash. You’ll also have to give the letter carrier his secret handshake when delivered or the deals off. On a side note Art spent a whole year at the University of Scientology before figuring out he was at the wrong school. He knew something was wrong when Tom Cruise and John Travolta stopped by for a pep rally. But that didn’t stop his studies. Art is a serious man and has been studying difficult stuff for years. OK so he’s figured out how to teach our children, and make them glow at the same time, so what more could an accomplished scientist want to do? How about create an army of zombies!
Yes folks, he’s going to do this by collecting your urine! Before you think I’ve stated smoking whacky weed let me explain. First Art sends out little cards to your mail box advertising that he wants your pee for scientific studies, then you fill out the postage-paid form with your name and address and drop it in a mailbox. When he receives your information he will then rush a sample kit to your door. Next, you pee in a cup, close the lid, and rush it back to Art via overnight mail. It’s then cryogenically frozen and stored in his underground facility.
But you may be asking yourself “what the hell does this have to do with an army of zombies, and why does Art Robinson want my pee?” It’s quite simple actually, and no he’s not making funny Popsicles. He wants to map the entire urine metabalone. Strange, Microsoft Word underlines metabalone red, so it must not be a real word. This is interesting, so if metabalone isn’t a real thing, then why does Art really want my pee? Yes it’s confusing, but this is where my theory comes into play. If Art were really following some sort of scientific process then he would have been having people show up at his house with identification. He could then verify whose urine is going in those plastic cups. If you have people sending in pee via the mail then you have no idea whose pee it really is. Little Johnny could be getting big laughs by filling up a cup with a sample from Fido.
“Come on Fido fill up the cup, I’ll give you a jerky treat!” or maybe, Johnny has his little brother fill up the cup after eating a jumbo bag of Pop Rocks. I wonder what color your pee would be after that, could you really pee a rainbow?
OK, so I think I’ve got it figured out. After watching the movie World War Z last night on DVD it’s become clear. Art Robinson is trying to create an army of mutant zombies using donated wee wee. He’s using these samples to make special pill to be taken while studying his lessons on DVD, or to be used recreationally while watching Fox news, or listening to the Rush Limbaugh show. The pills enhance the experience so the watcher can more easily absorb the information.
But there’s a dark side to this experiment, after prolonged use, 3 days to be exact, people turn into drooling snapping zombies that want to bite people. They don’t want to bite just any people, this type of zombie only seems to want to bite people who use food stamps, or other types of government assistance. Maybe it’s the combination of Fido and Pop Rock urine that creates the snapping zombies, we would have to review Art’s research first. But you would think that they would want to bite into more opulent victims, but this group of zombies doesn’t seem to even notice most people when they go on a snapping rampage. They only seem to notice people using the cards issued by the government to buy food with. Apparently they only crave barely nourished brains.
Now the zombie theory is all purely speculation, and I know I may have been watching too many zombie movies, but something has to be up. Art has announced that he will be running for congress once again in hopes of spreading his wisdom to a much larger audience. I’ve always wondered why loud-mouthed sociopathic know-it-alls feel the need to thrust themselves on the populous at large. But I suppose if he wasn’t mental then he wouldn’t be doing this. Maybe some other scientists can develop a special kind of fluoride that can be put into the water supply that help people be less crazy. If we can prevent tooth decay via the faucet, then we can surely prevent insanity, right?
About the Author: Dan LaFollette
I would describe myself as a father first, and married to a wonderfully supportive spouse that works her butt off for the family. I'm also a writer, techno nerd, and humorist. I always have more things to do than I have time to do them, and have many interests. br> View My ProfileAs far as my writing goes I consider myself an observer of human nature, and a lifelong writing student.