Travis Tygart the CEO of “The USA Anti-doping Agency” has had the dope sniffing dogs out on the trail of Lance Armstrong for years. “Any kindergartner on the playground knows what cheating is, and they also know that your pants will catch on fire if you lie.” Tygart said when interviewed on 60 minutes, a weekly television news program. He went on to say “What really toasts my buns is that Lance lied to Oprah! That rat-bastard!” Apparently Armstrong used firefighter pants when he went on Oprah’s show to keep his butt from spontaneously combusting. What I don’t understand is how he kept his nose from growing during the interview. Was the late Billy Mays selling a special anti-Pinocchio cream on late night TV while I was sleeping? Act now and get a free ShamWow while supplies last! Lance must have loaded up. Oprah should be packing heat in case of fibbing guests, and at the first sign of pant fire *BLAM* right between the eyes.
The United States government is starting to work on legislature to ban assault weapons. But all that seems to have done is to get every paranoid survivalist in the country spending their life’s saving on a stockpile of assorted AK-47s and AR-15s. Are these crazed bunker builders getting ready to defend themselves from hordes of moochers wanting to take their stashes of beans and Luck Strikes? Maybe, but personally I suspect the Zombie Apocalypse is what they’re really waiting for. Why who wouldn’t want to be riding Mad Max style blasting zombies out the window of your 4X4; it’s the stuff dreams are made from.
But they aren’t the only ones getting ready for trouble; the Fontana California United School district just received a fresh load of Automatic rifles. When interviewed Chief Billy Green stated “They’re not for walking around telling kids, ‘Hurry up and get to class’ with a gun around their neck.” But that wouldn’t surprise the teenage daughter of St. Paul Minnesota resident Krill Bartashevitch. Ole Krill is sitting in jail after throwing is wife to the ground and pointing his shiny new AK-47 at his teenage daughter for getting two “Bs” on her report card. “Get straight ‘As’ missy or I’ll blast your slacker butt off” were the words he used. Earth to Krill, they have a little pink pill for your condition you goofy loon!
I think Krill should have flown to Denver Colorado where there has been a rash of detergent and face lotion thefts. Stores are installing surveillance cameras in order to catch the thieves red handed with boxes of Tide laundry detergent. Apparently detergent is being used as some sort of currency for buying drugs. I’ll bet this group of outlaws will be the sweetest smelling robbers in lock up when they are eventually caught. While I’m on the subject of thieves, this news report is just too good to pass up. A fishy smelling toothless man walked into “Ben Bridge Jewelers” in downtown Seattle Washington last week and asked to try on a $45,000 Rolex. The halibut stinking man explained he was actually a wealthy fisherman in need of a watch. The sales person then said “Oh, Ok in that case, let’s see how this baby looks on you,” and snapped the Rolex around his wrist. Ole Stinky looked at the watch smiled, he yelled “See ya!” over his shoulder as he ran out the door. Two employees and a homeless man formed a posse and gave chase, but he got away. They could have nabbed him if the posse had a cat to track him, or if they had been packing AR-15s.
Do you know that you have to walk 10.3 miles to walk off the calories of a Big Mac with a medium fries? You only have to walk 3.3 miles to walk off a Boca vegan burger with broccoli carrot slaw. I think I’ll stick with a bowl of soup for lunch.
In Las Vegas the casino “Planet Hollywood” used a Poker tournament as a screening process for MBA’s looking for employment. Management and corporate executives schmoozed with candidates during breaks in the action. “We need strategic thinkers” stated an undisclosed manager. I think the next step in the screening process would be for Oprah to ask them questions and see if their pants catch on fire. *BLAMO!* next applicant.
Speaking of Hollywood in entertainment news, one of my favorite actors, 87 year old Dick Van Dyke was gobsmacked when he heard that he was receiving a lifetime achievement honor from the Screen Actors Guild. “They must’ve finally gotten to the ‘Vs.” he joked. I love Dick Van Dyke and recently watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with my kids. Dick is a genuinely nice person and an all-around good guy. I’ll bet money he’s never had his pants catch on fire while being interviewed.
That’s all the Batshit Crazy news I have; tune in next time when we ask. Do fishy toothless guys really get everything they ask for?
About the Author: Dan LaFollette
I would describe myself as a father first, and married to a wonderfully supportive spouse that works her butt off for the family. I'm also a writer, techno nerd, and humorist. I always have more things to do than I have time to do them, and have many interests. br> View My ProfileAs far as my writing goes I consider myself an observer of human nature, and a lifelong writing student.