Facebook Fouls

Nobody tell my boyfriend, but I’m in love with another. It makes me laugh with its witty memes. It keeps me updated on current events by directing me to news stories. It reminds me of birthdays and upcoming events. It doesn’t mind that I semi-stalk friends of friends. This lover has a name– Facebook.

But as much as I love Facebook, there are obvious drawbacks to the site: it’s a huge time waster, the new layout is mediocre at best, and perhaps the worst of all, some of your friends will really begin to annoy the crap out of you. Maybe you didn’t realize how much your friend from college griped about her children, or that your father-in-law should be an honorary member of the Klu Klux Klan. Thanks to Facebook, now you do.

Some Facebook offenses are definitely worse than others. I know someone who told his wife he was divorcing her by posting it to her wall. Another person e-mailed all of her ex-boyfriend’s contacts (myself included) to tell us how he sucked his thumb after sex. These are egregious and rare occurrences on Facebook; most of the offenses are far more subtle.

 

Man (or woman) in the mirror.

I can’t think of a place I’d want to take a picture less than in my bathroom. This is where you abandon what you ate for lunch, and somehow it is inspiring many of you to perform photo shoots starring you and a Smartphone. You brush your teeth in the bathroom. You take a shower in the bathroom. Some of you even groom your pubes in there. You don’t snap sexy pictures in the middle of a room which has particles of urine and dead skin cells floating around in it. Do what normal people do and learn how to use the self-timer feature so you can take a picture in front of a tree or a Burger King or anywhere else the world doesn’t equate with bowel movements. With so many of you wearing swimsuits in your photos I would have expected to see more poolside shots.

 

Dumblebrag.

Some of you may not be familiar with the term “humblebrag” but I guarantee you all know at least one person who does this on Facebook. It’s when people try to avoid looking boastful by feigning humility over an accomplishment or event. “The diamond bracelet my husband bought me is just too heavy for my wrist.” “I wish I knew how to do my own makeup. I’ve just never needed it.” “I’d like to be able to wear this suit without people constantly asking me if it’s an Armani.” I’m going to go on a Kanye West all caps rage right now: JUST SAY YOUR LIFE IS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE’S ALREADY. There’s only one thing douchier than bragging, and that’s humblebragging.

 

Shut the front door….to your barn.

It is my firm belief that Zynga, the creators of annoying games such as FarmVille and Mafia Wars, wanted to figure out a way to easily destroy Facebook friendships.  Never (until these games came along) had I been asked to help a friend tend a virtual crop so they could put virtual food on a virtual table for their virtual family. I also never had the pleasure of being invited to grab a cartoon baseball bat so I could help someone beat down a fictional Mafia boss. Look, if you want to spend all of your time becoming a rockstar in a world which doesn’t exist, I honestly couldn’t care less. I just don’t want you to assume that I’d like to throw my energy into that abyss with you. No more requests to join your ranch, or filling my newsfeed with your pseudo-accomplishments. K? Thx.

 

Show me the hunnie.

After years of visiting bars, scouring Craigslist, and handing over your fee for an eHarmony membership, I understand why some of you are so excited when you’re finally in a relationship. It warms my heart when you post pictures of your first Christmas together, or the tropical vacation you both recently took. However, some of you cross over from doting partner to downright semi-obsessed creepster who can’t help but post about their significant other every 15 minutes. Guess what? You’re the only one who thinks your boyfriend is cute when he sleeps. You’re the only one who thinks your wife gives the best nose kisses. You’re the only one who thinks your mate cooks the greatest DiGiorno pizza of all time. The rest of us are simply placing bets on how soon it’ll be before the flame burns out.

 

Riding the Drama Llama around town.

I’m going to put this as bluntly as possible: nobody gives a crap about every single wrong committed against you. When you incessantly post about how much your coworkers suck, or every painstaking detail of a tempestuous breakup, the rest of us aren’t feeling sorry for you, we’re cringing for you.  Is it really possible that you, a perfect angel, just keep running into these soap opera-like situations? As someone who has rightly kicked the habit of chronic complaining, I assure you that you’re only convincing us that you’re the problem.

 

The danger with Facebook is that it is a microcosm of our real personalities. Sometimes we put out the best parts of ourselves, and other times we put out the worst. I’ve thought a lot about what people would think if they based their judgment of me solely on my posts. I’ve determined I come across as the type of person who would make out with her own hand while crying and listening to Spandau Ballet.

We need to consider the person we’re portraying to the world every time we update our status, or add a picture to our photo album. We need to balance out every negative thing we say about our lives with something equally positive. We need keep as many things to ourselves as we are willing to share.  The only thing you need not do, under any circumstance, is ask me to help you tend your virtual crop.

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About the Author:

Jen and Tonic was classically trained in the art of guzzling a beer in less than fifteen seconds. She is single-handedly responsible for creating the David Hasselhoff empire, and destroying Dustin Diamond’s career.
On the weekend she enjoys wearing pants with elastic in the waist, arm wrestling small children, and skinny dipping in her neighbors’ bathtubs when they’re not home. She has struggled for years with being overly badass, and scientists are currently studying her in an effort to figure out how one person can be so awesome. View My Profile

  • Cher Duncombe

    Jen, this is a great article and well worth attention. I wrestled with the idea of joining Facebook for several years before finally taking the leap. I have seen all the issues you have discussed and I get disgusted too. What disturbs me most, though, is the inordinate amount of time people spend there. Sure, it’s great for catching up with friends and finding out what they have written or are reading. But really, some of these people must not have real lives! How can they possibly be on there 24/7?

    All I know is, you will see very few pictures of me, my children or grandchildren. In the scheme of things, who really cares? Give me a picture saying with a tart message, or someone that has something of substance to share. But please, if you ever break up with your boyfriend, send me an email and I will send you chocolates and sympathy. If you put it on Facebook (not that you would), I will probably miss it. :)

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      I’ve been known to be an addict!I blame my phone which keeps me connected constantly. I’ve been scaling back, and I’m happy about that. Finally I’m becoming productive!

      I promise if my significant other and I ever break up, I’ll announce it the old-fashioned way-- skywriting.

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  • http://www.firkroy.blogspot.com/ Dan LaFollette

    I hate frigging Facebook… yet I love Facebook. Hate it! Love it!
    Facebook bastards, they should all burn in HELL!
    Why do people have to put pictures of their mate with them in their profile pictures? Hi I’m Angelandan nice to meet you, we were grafted together so we are now one.
    :)

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      Mark Zuckerberg has all of us by the balls. “You guys hate Timeline? Who cares? I OWN YOU!”

      I must admit that I put a picture of my boyfriend and I as a default once before. I have seen the error of my ways. My friend and her husband always have the SAME profile picture and it is ALWAYS of their heads squished together. I told her that I didn’t know people became conjoined twins once they got married.

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  • http://www.pacificmelody.wordpress.com/ Melody J Haislip

    Jen, I mainly use Facebook for shameless self-promotion. I don’t do chain emails or Farmville; I don’t either ‘poke’ (what Is that?) or respond to ‘pokes’ from others. My visits to the bathroom are sans camera, and I only share the bathroom with my two cats (who will o/w scratch and paw at the door if I don’t). If I notice my friends doing objectionable things, I just ignore then till sanity returns. I still prefer face-to-face meetings with friends, but I also accept email and even snail mail. I don’t have a cell phone, and the one text I sent “hello” took me about five minutes, because I kept having to start over. Heaven forbid you break up with your boyfriend, but if you do, I’ll take you out for a beer or three and you can cry on my shoulder! (I’ll also help you eat Cher’s chocolates!) :)

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      The poke may be the most annoying feature on Facebook. I once had a work contact add me, and then start poking me constantly. One day in the break room he said, “I poked you a few days ago, but you haven’t poked back.” I mean, COME ON.

      Should my relationship meet an untimely demise I will make sure to invite you over for some chocolates ;)

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  • http://itsalwaysfriday.blogspot.com/ Bill Friday

    First off, easy off the Spandau Ballet! They were “…the sound of my soul…”.

    Second, the fastest way to get me to relegate a FB friend to second (or third) tier status is to receive multiple Farmville, Potville, Gilligan’s Islandville, Zombie Apocalypseville, etc. Once, a while back, a “friend” kept sending me requests (and I kept Xing them into Anthony’s Farmville cornfield), till finally I had to say to them, “If you want to talk, just say so.”

    Lastly, I am so humbled by your recognizing what a great thing it is to be my friend. It really must be true that YOUR LIFE IS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE’S ALREADY!!!

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      First off, Spandau Ballet was the sound of your soul? Do you swear this much is true? Huh Huh Huh Huh Huuuuuh Huh?

      Second, I never saw the FarmVille requests as an attempt to communicate with me. Now I feel badly for telling my friend where he could stick his corn in the cob.

      Lastly, I agree that I’m very lucky to be your friend. It does MAKE MY LIFE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE’S.

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  • http://www.garrycrystal.blogspot.com/ Garry Crystal

    Save me from the people who have professionally taken studio photographs of themselves as their FB profile pics. I think my addiction to FB wanes at different points throughout the week, and I ignore the little message signals at the top for a day or two otherwise I would be getting up out of bed at 4am to answer messages because it seems rude not to. Farmville just say no, and I do not feel guilty about not accepting your requests and am happy if you decide to delete me. I can and will kick this addiction, one day at a time -- what would Jesus do? Right better share this article on Facebook, doh!

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      I have ALWAYS wanted to take a fake headshot in an attempt to make fun of people who take their profile pictures that seriously. My Facebook addiction wavers just likes yours. Monday-Thursday seem to my worst days. It also just depends on if anybody else is Facebooking. Sometimes it seems like a ghost town.

      What would Jesus do? He would update status!

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  • http://www.tiredofpreviews.com Katy Kern

    Ignore all game apps and birthday apps -- what is that anyway? I am the queen of cropping Iphone pictures for profiles…I love facebook because..yes, I said this before, it saved my life/sanity. Found a specific heart surgery procedure on a Heart Surgery Veterans group that I ended up having. No doctor ever suggested it to me and I am living proof Facebook has done some good…but please, for the love god, don’t ask me to help you plant a garden. I hate real gardening why would I want to virtually do it?

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      WOW! You found a heart surgery on Facebook? That’s amazing! I did hear about a person who found her long lost sister through the site. You two may be the only people to have ever accomplished anything worthwhile there!

      In defense of Facebook…as bloggers it is such a useful tool to help us promote our work. Social media in general has afforded us an opportunity writers never had before.

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      • http://www.tiredofpreviews.com Katy Kern

        Jen -- Yep. It was a procedure only used on children and it is a very complicated procedure. So many heart patients are elderly they couldn’t handle the length of surgery it requires (6-7 hours) so it was standard to not recommend it to me. But I only was 38 and otherwise healthy. I had to fight the doctors to get it. But so glad I did -- sooooooo glad I did. THANK YOU FACEBOOK!!! Otherwise, I would have received a mechanical valve that clicks every time my heart would beat and I would have heard it. I am very noise sensitive and would have gone insane. INSANE!

        It’s true: Facebook is my #1 source of referrals to my blog. Must give the social network gods credit there, as well. ;-)

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        • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

          Can I just say I am SO HAPPY you found that procedure?

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  • http://www.tiredofpreviews.com Katy Kern

    Yes, you can :-D

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      I’M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!! :D

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  • http://tjlubrano.blogspot.com/ TJ Lubrano

    Aaaaah Facebook! The talk of the day! *grabs some tea* You know, Facebook started out as a family and friends thing for me, but now it’s mostly for business and you know throwing around with cupcakes, rum and glitter. The games? I was never interested in them and never will be. My sister used to play something with a dog. Or was it a cat? She had to take care of him/her…I always stared like this U_U when I caught her playing that game.

    Thank you for giving a creepy vibe of the bathroom with its dead skin cells and urine splashes. I’m pretty sure a monster lives there now. Have to say, that’s quite the sexy picture…I’m pretty sure people will start to ‘poke’ you when you put it on FB now…hehe :) Seriously though, I hate it when people do that. What IS the point? Rude, I say.

    Loved this article!!!

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      Your sister played PetVille?! I could imagining you looking at her while she was virtually walking her dog. Hahahaha!

      Nobody told you monsters live in the bathroom? Don’t EVER look underneath the sink. It’s worse than a horror movie o_O

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      • http://tjlubrano.blogspot.com/ TJ Lubrano

        Petville! Yes. The rudeness.

        Under the sink *covers eyes* Noooooo this is not something I want to read this early in the morning T_T

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  • http://www.momsarefrommars.com Janene

    Jen, this is hysterical. I’ve seen many of these offenses. Things I also don’t need to hear? What people think of the sandwich they just ate, how delicious the food was that they just cooked, or how fabulous their lunch date with so-and-so was. Really. That photo of tettrazini on a Corelle plate just doesn’t need to be shared. I better stop before I offend someone. Oh, wait. I may have already done that.

    Sigh.

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      I laughed out loud at the tettrazini on a Corelle plate comment!! I was taking pictures of things I was cooking for awhile (I’m a jerk!) and a friend of mine posted a picture of a Kids Cuisine she had microwaved and said, “Two can play that game.” Point taken ;)

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  • http://www.momsarefrommars.com Janene

    OMG. I SO want to steal that idea….Okay, I just may have to do that. Love it so!!

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      Permission granted!

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      • http://It'sAlwaysFriday Bill Friday

        Just as long as you two don’t trash talk the picture of my chicken fried steak, there will still be peace around here.

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        • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

          I won’t trash talk it, but I may throw up in my mouth a little.

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  • http://www.mantralotus.com/ MantraLotus

    Hilarious!! I think I got a good dose of the Tonic, Jen! Excellent! I must admit..though. I am guilty of a couple of offenses. (not saying though…lol) But, the bathroom pics are just too funny to me. How many poses can you take in the bathroom and why? Has to be something psychological to it. Hmm.. Maybe it says that I’m a dirty..dirty girl/boy cause I take “clean” pics in a place where I poop.

    I laughed all the way through! Superb writing Miss!

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      I think we’re ALL guilty of committing some Facebook offenses!

      As I mentioned to Janene above, I was one of those people who would post things I made as if anyone cared. “Oh, look at this chicken I prepared!” As if nobody else could cook a freaking chicken ;)

      And yes, the bathroom pictures will always be ridiculous!

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  • Anya Pham

    Amen!

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      Glad you agree :D

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  • http://petearmetta.wordpress.com Pete Armetta

    This just made me laugh and laugh. I hope my neighbors didn’t hear my big mouth here at 7:00AM on a Saturday! Love your charm and wit, and I’ll be coming back for more.

    PS: I love my time in my bathroom. Why not!? :)

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    • http://sipsofjenandtonic.com Jen and Tonic

      I aim to displease other people’s neighbors ;)

      You SHOULD like your time in the bathroom. It’s a place of solitude for many people.

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