Cheese Smuggling, And Other Batshit Crazy News!
Welcome to another installment of Batshit Crazy News!
We live in a crazy world, and when I read my daily newspaper in the morning over a cup of fresh java I often find myself torn between laughing out loud and crying. Today was no exception. So what’s happening in the news today? Let’s find out.
Apple Apologizes For Maps, points Users To Rivals:
Apple, the maker of the iPhone has apologized for their new Maps application. With the release of iOS 6 Google Maps was removed, with Apple’s own Maps application replacing it. Many users have complained that Apple’s Maps application just sucks. But Consumer Reports – a trusted source for rating consumer products- reported that Apple’s Maps application doesn’t suck. So what the hell! Something sucks about this no matter what sucks. Apple apologized for sucking, but I don’t think that Consumer Reports will be changing their minds about Apple’s Maps application NOT sucking. Hummm, let’s go on to something else.
Cheese Smuggling Operation Busted! Toronto:
Two police officers (one a former) have been charged with smuggling more than $200,000 worth of cheese into Canada. Niagra Regional Police said Cheese and other food were purchased in the United States and smuggled into Canada without paying duty. Bob Abumeeiz a Windsor Ontario Pizzeria owner said he had been approached four times by someone selling contraband cheese. He was suspicious when they tried to sell him five cases of gourmet prune juice to go with all of that cheese. Mr. Abumeeiz was quoted as saying “If I offered prune juice along with my double cheese pizza it would probably counteract the constipating effects of smuggled cheese, but the rest of my customers would get the shits. So I called the police.” The two officers are being held without bail in a Toronto lock up.
Man’s Friend Served Time For Him. Stockholm:
A man convicted of smuggling (he was probably part of the cheese caper) outwitted his jailers by sneaking in a friend to serve most of his time. The false identity was only found out when his friend was released on probation. An international arrest warrant has been issued for the real convict earlier this year. Police declined to comment on why it took 3 years to figure this all out, but they have been tracking international prune juice shipments in order to locate him. It wasn’t clear if the friend would be punished or not, but you would think he could simply be let go with time served. Several media outlets report that the convict fled to Asia and had paid his friend for his “prison-sitting” service. But we all know that they don’t eat cheese in Asia, so I find the assertion quite unrealistic.
Experts: No Maya Apocalypse.
December 21st is the date that many predicted as the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar. But scientific experts have been racing to convince people that the Mayas didn’t predict an apocalypse on that date. But the experts are saying yes, the Mayas did make predictions, but not the end of the world! They like to predict boring events like droughts and outbreaks of acne. Geoffrey Braswell an anthropologist for the University of California, San Diego said “There are many ancient Maya monuments that discuss events far into the future from now.” He went on to say “The Maya long count system is like a car odometer. My first car (odometer) only had six wheels so it went up to 99,999.9 miles. That didn’t mean the car would explode after reaching 100,000 miles.” I agree with Geoffrey and if the world blows up in December then who the hell will care if I’m wrong anyway.
Iranian News Agency Picks Up Onion Article!
Kudos go out to the Iranian News Agency. Finally someone gives validity to that great bastion of truth The Onion. An Iranian news agency picked up a story from The Onion about a survey showing an overwhelming majority of rural white Americans who would rather vote for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than President Obama.
The English-language service of Iran’s semiofficial Fars news agency republished the story Friday, several days after it appeared in The Onion. The Iranians even printed a quote from a West Virginia resident who says he’d rather go to a baseball game with Ahmadinejad because “he takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.”
The Iranian article did leave out The Onion‘s description of Ahmadinejad as “a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed.”
Writers at The Onion reveled in the fact that finally someone was taking them seriously. Well I’ll always take you folks at The Onion seriously. Sniff, I love you guys.
No Sign Of Hoffa’s Remains So Far.
Their drilling for Hoffa! Authorities drilled through concrete and removed two samples of wet soil and clay Friday in the latest effort to find the remains of Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa, who disappeared in 1975. They haven’t found any sign of dead Hoffa yet but their keeping their fingers crossed.
Roseville Police Chief James Berlin said “We’re not sure if anything is down there. That’s what this is all about,” Some guy told police that he saw a body being buried under the driveway 35 years ago. Mr. “Some guy” is quoted as saying “I was drunk, and smoking some pot but I think it may have been Jimmy.” That was good enough for the Roseville Police, so they started drilling. They drilled the concrete floor of a shed adjacent to a driveway where a recent radar test revealed a shift in the soil. Authorities have already said they don’t think the timeline adds up and that it’s unlikely Hoffa’s body is there. But a source who didn’t want to be named said “What the hell, it’s fun to dig holes.”
“I laughed at them,” Neighbor Patricia Szpunar, 72 said Friday. “I looked at them and said, ‘What? Do you think Jimmy Hoffa is buried in my backyard?’ . . . They just looked at me, and asked. Why did you mention Jimmy Hoffa?”
So that’s all of the Batshit Crazy News for today. Have a swell weekend.
Tags: Batshit, cheese, crazy, Dan LaFollette, hoffa, iran, smuggling