Cashing in on cotton balls

I was in my bathroom last night getting ready for bed. I prepared to take off my make up. Reaching under the sink, I stuffed my hand in the cotton ball bag and pulled out this:

What the what? Four or five cotton balls were stuck together by some hard, unidentifiable plastic mass. If I were from any other country I would have looked at it, shrugged, then said, “freaky,” before throwing it into the garbage. But I’m American, so the first thing I thought was, “I bet I could sue someone.”

I mean, come on, what if I had used that thing and accidentally scratched my cornea? Or stuffed my bra with it and scratched something else? The possibilities were endless. I think I’m emotionally damaged from the incident, too. Last night in my dreams, while I was being featured in an episode of HGTV’s Property Brothers, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghost Busters stomped on the ‘crack house on the corner’ I’d selected for renovation. Coincidence? I think not!

The horror...the horror.

Yes, that’s right. I’m traumatized! At least that’s what I’m telling the jury.

Years back some chick got a ton of money when she spilled McDonald’s coffee on her lap. Plus I’m always (or rarely, I’m not quite sure) hearing about people scoring major dough after finding severed toes in their canned food. I should be able to cash in on this wave. I mean, you’d think I’d at least be able to squeeze…oh, let’s say $249 from US Cotton, LLC. That’d be just enough money to buy that cute Coach purse from the new Spring line that I’ve been eyeing.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’d blow it all on Ding Dongs. Anyway, I’ve got to go. My lawyer’s on the line. Wish me luck, will you?

——

For more silliness check out Janene’s website, Moms are from Mars, by clicking here.

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Posted in: Humor
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About the Author:

Janene Murphy is a stay at home mom with three kids who don't listen to her. Instead of letting Calgon take her away, she writes. If you want to waste more time, check out her website at http://www.momsarefrommars.com.
  • Ciaoooo Janene 🙂 Welcome, welcome to Expats!

    Okay…let me say it again…The Horror! Although seeing mr. Puff or whatever he is called made me laugh. Hehe. Please give the Lawyer dude a stare if he starts to laugh at you and the cotton balls. Or maybe sue him as well!

    Lovely to see you here!

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    • Thanks for the welcome, TJ. I’m so glad I’m here!

      As for the horror, I do hope my emotional stablitiy returns and am pretty certain a new purse would do wonders. As for suing my lawyer? Excellent idea. Sue! Sue! Sue!

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  • Cher Duncombe

    Hi Janene! Wow, I was rooting for you to “cash in” on the cotton balls, but be careful what you wish for. We don’t want you scarred for life. Traumatized, okay, but not scarred. 🙂

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    • I’m glad my traumatization is okay with you. I’ll try not to teeter too far over the edge. 😉

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  • Janene, The Horror! Actually before I clicked on the image, I thought it was some sort of fetish -- some female fecundity figure. Closer up I could see it was cotton balls. So glad you didn’t scratch either your cornea or … anything else for that matter.

    As for the McDonald’s coffee lady, I laughed at that one, too, till I read the whole story and found out how badly she’d been burned. Take care of yourself, it’s a dangerous world out there! 😛

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    • Ha! First of all, thank you for teaching me a new word: fecundity. You get bonus points for framing it alliteratively, as well. And, yes, can you imagine if I’d actually gotten scratched? A mere Coach purse wouldn’t do. I’d need a vacation to Bali.

      I’ll have to check out the photos of that McDonald’s lady. Warning, though: if I find them too emotionally disturbing I might have to set another law suit in motion.

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  • I second TJ’s sentiments -- Welcome, Janene!!

    Oh, I live in Florida -- the land of lawyers and lawsuits… I know you could find one here to take your claim 😉

    Looking forward to more of your articles. 🙂

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    • Thank you, Katy! I think I’m going to like it here. Everyone is so much fun. I’m jealous of you, you know. How I’d love to live in Florida right now. The cold in Iowa sucks. I might have to take a trip down there to find myself a lawyer. Thanks for the suggestion!

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  • I literally laughed out loud at the photoshopped image. So funny…

    It really is a good thing you noticed the melted plastic before you rubbed your face or eyes with it. I think they should give you a lifetime supply of ANOTHER brand’s cotton balls.

    Glad to have you here!

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    • You know, I might have to factor that into my court case. In addition to money, I’d like a lifetime supply of cotton balls — and a shed to put in my backyard to house them all. Wouldn’t that be cool? A shed full of cotton balls? My own private cloud to get lost in!

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