Batshit Crazy News! The Holiday End Of The World Edition.

Batshit Crazy News! A Holiday End Of The World Edition.

The Holidays are upon us, and it’s time to go out and shop shop shop! It’s the Capitalists way dammit! We have Christmas going on with Salvation Army temp workers smelling of Old Crow and dressing up as Santa at every store entrance. They ring their bells and shout “Merry Christmas!” to get you to throw your spare change in their red cauldrons. We also have our Hanukkah and Kwanza candle lightings, and in North Korea the supreme leader Kim Jong Un is giving a bratwurst to everyone! Kim Jong Un is a benevolent leader, and was quoted as saying earlier this week “BA! That’s not a rocket launcher, that’s just our sausage delivery system.”

You have got to love the young Kim, the Onion -one of the Internet’s finest news sources- declared Kim the sexiest man alive in 2012. This didn’t escape those news sleuths over in China, and this story was quickly picked by the People’s Daily Communist Party newspaper. You know that country that makes all of the electronic gadgets we love to use that are built with love by cheap semi-slave labor. The gizmos with up-scale product names are put into boxes and then sold to Capitalists all over the world. The People’s Daily went on to say how cute and cuddly the North Korean leader was “With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame.” Personally I don’t know of any available woman who wouldn’t love to run her fingers through his stylish hair, what a beef cake! But if they can’t have the man then maybe they could settle for a souvenir with Kim’s face on it, maybe a coffee mug. That way his aura of cuddliness could watch over them during these cold winter months.

Now while we’re on the subject of faces on inanimate objects did you hear about that firefighter in Florida named Clint Pierce? He got fired for putting rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom at his fire station. That doesn’t sound so bad you may be saying to yourself, but Clint’s rolls had President Obama’s face imprinted on each sheet. This was his third TP with a face on it infraction so they gave him the boot. When asked, Clint stated “I just thought it would help me be closer to the man I admire the most.” Nobody was buying that load of turkey poo so Clint will be enjoying his eggnog and TP in private at his home this holiday season. Personally I wish HP would manufacture a toilet paper printer for home use so we could all enjoy putting our favorite faces on butt wipe.

I think faces on toilet paper could be a sign of the end of the world, the end of days if you will. Russia is frantically trying to assure its citizens that it is NOT the end of the world as we know it. But their efforts haven’t stopped Russian inmates in a woman’s prison from suffering from a collective mass end of the world psychosis that caused the prison warden to summon a priest to calm them down.  They are panicking in Moscow and buying up matches and sugar. If it’s going to be the end of the world it’s going to be sweet by God. Citizens have built a huge Mayan-style archway made out of ice on Karl Marx Street in Chelyabnsk. Well hell, why don’t they just add a few years onto their ice block and be done with it, the Mayans may have run out of space on their rock, but there’s no shortage of ice in Siberia! I mean really, did they run out of Vodka this winter in Russia? Get back to drinking you fools and you won’t care if it’s the end of the world or not.

Those people in the former Soviet Union have totally lost their marbles. In Serbia villagers are terrified of vampires! In the hamlet of Zarozje an old wooden mill collapsed and supposedly set loose the ghost of Sava Savanovic a fairy tale blood sucker, and he’s looking for bare necks to suck on. The city council of Zarozje has been advising villagers to put garlic in their pockets and to place big gaudy wooden crosses in every room. However one local council member stated that “whatever is true about Sava locals should use the legend to promote tourism.” That sounds like a good advice to me, with more necks running around town it would be less likely that your neck would get sucked on. But what kind of teeth do vampire ghosts have anyway?

Happy holidays everyone. Hopefully we will all make it to the New Year. If you do make it then I recommend not drinking too much in Zarozje. If you don’t get fanged you might accidently get staked while wearing a lampshade.  If you happen to be strolling on Karl Marx Street in Chelyabnsk then please carve in at least enough years on the ice block to get the locals back to drinking. If you’re going to send me a gift this holiday season then please skip the TP with a face on it, and send me a fruit cake instead. I’m one of those very strange people who enjoy a nice fruit cake, preferably soaked in Old Crow.

Oh and if Kin Jong Un offers you a sausage politely receive the gift, then run, don’t walk to the nearest bio hazard disposal center. Don’t risk feeding a KimJongUnworst to the family dog; Wolfy might start getting an urge to bring your slippers to the supreme leader, and it would just suck having cold feet this winter.

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About the Author:

I would describe myself as a father first, and married to a wonderfully supportive spouse that works her butt off for the family. I'm also a writer, techno nerd, and humorist. I always have more things to do than I have time to do them, and have many interests. View My Profile

As far as my writing goes I consider myself an observer of human nature, and a lifelong writing student.

19 Comments on "Batshit Crazy News! The Holiday End Of The World Edition."

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  1. What a way ro intertain early risers with this awesome post.

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  2. avatar Dean Walker says:

    I love Batshit Crazy News!

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  3. Funniest article I have read in ages Dan, the Obama toilet paper had me laughing out loud.

    “that are built with love by cheap semi-slave labor.” -- now that’s the true spirit of xmas. Batshit news is the best.

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    • Thanks Garry!

      Cliff should feel comfort in his new toilet paper martyr status. But you know, sometimes you just need to keep your rolls to yourself.

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  4. avatar Larry Conley says:

    Dan,

    A humorous treatment of doomsday! What a masterpiece.

    One thing is certain, if the world ends, the fiscal cliff and global warming will be trivial by comparison.

    As the Aussies say, “No worries, Mate,”.

    Loved it and Happy Holidays if we make it!

    Larry

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    • Thanks Larry!

      The good thing is that I can make fun of the end of the world all that I want. If the world is still here Jan 1st then I can make fun of the Kooks that I’m sure are just building up to their finales. If I’m wrong, and the earth cracks in half, nobody will be around to say I told you so. It’s a Win Win! Whoo Hoo!

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  5. avatar TJ Lubrano says:

    Hahaha I love this Dan!! I kept laughing here, lucky I didn’t have any drinks around.

    “Personally I don’t know of any available woman who wouldn’t love to run her fingers through his stylish hair, what a beef cake!” -- I instantly envisioned a hairdo with beef and tiny cakes…not good :|

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  6. Thanks TJ!

    Yes that beefcake word is strange way to describe ripped hunky men isn’t it. Who ever came up with that phrase needs an atomic wedgie for giving you yucky images in your head. Now you’ve got me thinking of beef cupcakes with little cow faces, AAAaaaaaa! :D

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  7. avatar Katy Kern says:

    Love this! “Get back to drinking you fools and you won’t care if it’s the end of the world or not.” -- Great stuff, Dan.
    Batshit News is the BEST! Happy Holidays!

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    • Thanks Katy!

      And if you’re going to get drunk Russia is the place, they do make the best vodka. Just make sure it’s chilled before drinking. Not a problem if you live in Siberia, just let the bottle sit out on the steps for 15 seconds and it’s party time!

      I hope you and your family have a great Holiday Katy!

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  8. avatar Dani Heart says:

    Very fun article Dan. I can’t believe anyone anywhere thinks that the world is really going to end. LOL :)

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    • Thanks Dani!

      Well I think there will be an end of the world, but it’s just not happening this month. In 5 billion years when the sun starts expanding into a red giant the earth will be engulfed by the sun *burp*. But the world will end before then.

      The sun is currently brightening at about one percent per hundred million years, and that rate is gradually increasing. At some point within roughly a billion years, the planet will cross the threshold for runaway steam-driven global warming, i.e. steam is a greenhouse gas, warms the planet, evaporates more of the oceans etc. Dolphins of course would have left a note thanking us for all the fish years before that.

      Wow wasn’t that an upper. :D

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  9. avatar Janene says:

    So how many women want sausage from Kim Jon Un? I’m just sayin’, since he’s the sexiest man alive and all. Perhaps thoughts of his sausage would help those Russian female inmates out of their apocolyptic fervor. No? ;)

    Love your batshit crazy news!

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    • Aye Carumba Janene! I would think most women would be saying. “There just ain’t enough mustard in the world to want that sausage!” But maybe those crazy women in the Russian gulag just need a nice hedgehog goulash. People will act darn nutty when they’re hungry. :)

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