Eat The Worm!

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Like so many other quasi-alcoholics, I’m always on the lookout for a reason to get tanked and not be judged for it. I happen to be Irish, so St. Paddy’s Day is a good one. I also happen to be a reformed Catholic, so I know that Fat Tuesday is practically a necessity before Lent for those that still practice. Memorial Day? Lift a glass to your fallen brethren! 4th of July? Celebrate your Independence with a sixer of Sam Adams! Labor Day? You get the idea.

Every year on Cinco de Mayo, scads of people troll Mexican restaurants in search of one of the worlds most satisfying combinations: fajitas and tequila. Margaritas and melted queso flow like rivers of alcohol-y, cheesy goodness (and, subsequently, so does the vomit). It is my estimate that approximately four out of five revelers on the 5th of May don’t actually know what the hell they are supposed to be celebrating other than two-for-one shots of Cuervo. Until this article, I was one of those blissfully ignorant four.

As it turns out, Cinco de Mayo commemorates the victory of the Mexican militia over the French army at The Battle Of Puebla in 1862. What this has to do with anyone in the United States who is not of Mexican heritage is anyone’s guess. Still, it’s a good reason to get shitty and scream “Ole!” at the top of your lungs…and that’s always fun. Considering most people’s grasp of Mexican culture is limited to 99 cent gorditas at Taco Bell, I vehemently encourage partaking in this gloriously commercialized holiday. It’s the American way.

In order to help facilitate making the most of your Cinco de Mayo, here are some helpful hints from yours truly:

*Mimicking the stereotypical Mexican by donning a poncho and sombrero will likely result in getting your burro kicked. Please wear your normal clothing on the 5th of May. Unless your name is Pancho Villa you should not even own a sombrero.

*The Mexican Hat Dance isn’t sexy, no matter how many Coronitas you’ve had.

*Please, feel free to eat the worm but only if I am around to watch you puke it back up ten seconds later.

*Three years of high school Spanish all those years ago does not make you fluent in the language so please refrain from attempting to speak with your busboy in his native tongue, especially if he is actually from Moscow.

*Not everyone who is of Latin heritage is from Mexico. Refrain from walking up to someone who appears to be Spanish and yelling “Remember the Alamo!”, unless I am there to enjoy the ensuing fracas.

*Being called a “gringo” is not a compliment. But your drunk ass most likely deserves it.

*Gents: walking up to a woman at a bar and asking her to “shake her maracas” WILL result in a kick to the groin, just as it would on May 4th or May 6th. (Unless of course you’re asking the ladies described below….)

*Ladies: flashing your boobs for beads is actually customary during Mardi Gras, not Cinco de Mayo. But feel free to be a slut since you’re obviously looking for a reason.

*Yes, by all means, ordering the extreme jalapeno poppers and bragging about how spicy foods don’t effect you is a grand idea. Your anus will thank you in the morning.

Yo quero Cinco de Mayo!

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Savage Lettuce (6 Posts)

Savage Lettuce (aka: Rebecca Ash) is a gypsy freelance writer whose gender was, for years, the topic of much speculation. After getting groped on the subway, it was determined that she was of the female persuasion and had a "nice rack". She continues to break the barriers of gender specific narrative mostly through the use of completely inappropriate and bizarre humor, twisted subject matter, and wearing a cod piece as a fascinator. When not writing, she enjoys dance, collecting shoes, slug racing and anthropomorphizing her mini dachshunds and pet pig.