Coneheads Are Running Everything!

 

At this time of the year it always seems hard for me to get off of my butt and get some writing done. Not that I’m sitting on my butt, it’s just that there are so many things to do. With the holidays here and with ¾ of the family in school I end up playing Mr. Mom to the Max! My two young boys are mess making cyclones traveling in circles around the house throwing Legos and kick boxing each other, all the while making dirty dishes and wiping their little paws on the furniture. I’ll be the first one to concede that I don’t enjoy being the household janitor, and I don’t like continually washing dishes and filthy kid cloths, hell who does, it just sucks.

When the kids get home from school I have to crack the whip on the little homework slacking mess-makers, and it usually ends up being more work for me than it is for them. They are learning about fractions, and nouns, and the groans of despair that can be heard with every page of work. This makes me the student of calmness and Zen, and helps me expand my knowledge of the local beer trade.

“Am I just a slave?” is a favorite proclamation of the miniature masses when I ask them to put away their newly washed boxer shorts into the proper drawer. I know what your thinking. “Why not just get the kids to help?” Well I do have them help to some extent (with a lot of effort on my part) but you just can’t give them a to-do list and expect everything to be done in a satisfactory manor. Maybe I’m just being a perfectionist, but when I ask to have the garbage taken out, I really do expect a new bag to be put in the can before you jump back on the couch for another episode of Scooby Doo.

Talking about Scooby Doo, have you seen any of the countless Scooby Doo movies that are being cranked out of Korea? They really are very good, but when you reveal the man in the mask you will see that Scooby Doo is really some guy named Mr. Pang who works for a company named DongWoo Animation. I have to stop and wonder, what are they putting in Scooby snacks, Kimchi maybe. Is the Mystery machine really a Kia minivan? Are the bad guys really spies sent in by North Korean mad man Kim Jong-il? He has an excuse for coming off as a mad man you know, and you do realize by now that Jong-il is simply a demented Conehead alien.

OK, OK, you’ve all heard this alien conspiracy stuff from me before, and you may be thinking “Did Dan stop taking his medications again?” But hey, I’m no loon! All heads of state, and people running for office are Conehead aliens. Have you looked at the American presidential candidates lately? Take a real close look, they may look human, but when they open their mouths it’s all “Your positive perception of me is vital to my existence.” when they speak. I swear they have all had plastic surgery, and wear makeup. Most have had half their brains removed (presidential candidates), and others simply wear big cowboy hats (Texan politicians), but rest assured they are all Coneheads. If you went to any of their houses on Halloween you would be given six-packs of beer, and fried eggs.

Fried eggs made me think of food, and on the food front I decided to make this week soup and salad week, or at least for the next few days. I had the -manna of the gods- chicken fried steak at Sheri’s restaurant the other day, “mmmm boy.” was it good. But I’m feeling the need for more roughage. Oh, and don’t listen to anyone who would put down chicken fried steak they’re obviously Coneheads on Vulcan crack. But seriously, I do need to eat in a more healthy fashion if I intend on living to a ripe old age. So I try to have regular salads and cut down on piles of wheat and red meat. We had a Chef’s Salad tonight with the other white meat (oink), and tomorrow it will be a chicken noodle soup. Yes, I had red moo cow meat in the chicken fried steak, but all of the veggies, and soup are the antidotes.

Do you ever wonder what aliens are doing with our moo cows? Do you think they’re turning them into burritos? Yep, the damn aliens are turning our cows into burritos, and putting themselves in charge all over the world. You’ve seen the pictures of the gray big eyed creature that was supposedly held at Area 51 haven’t you? I believe there may indeed have been an unfortunate accident that caused this alien to get stuck on the planet of the apes.

This particular alien must have really screwed up in order to let himself be captured by primates. Maybe he was sitting on the toilet when his spaceship crashed into earth.

“This is Mesloid calling the mother ship, I’m approaching earth, come in…” the alien said into his intergalactic communicator.

“Oh man I shouldn’t have eaten those last three moo cow burritos!” Mesloid says as he runs to the can.

Meanwhile, “Beep, Beeep, Beeeeeep, GET OFF THE CAN DUMB ASS!!” His control panel screams. On his dashboard the red “Going to run into a planet” light comes on, while he’s preoccupied with other business.

Wham!

He starts to wake up, blinking his big oval eyes. He starts to realizes he’s not in his spaceship anymore, he’s actually on a cold, hard table with bright lights overhead.

“Well this just sucks!” says Mesloid as he realizes that he’s on the wrong end of an anal probe.

The only reason all of this hasn’t been made public is because of the Coneheads who are running everything don’t want you to know about it. They are in league with the gray big eyed aliens, and they want our cows.

OK, I’ve said enough for now, it’s time to put on my aluminum foil hat and to sit down and watch “My Name is Earl.” on Netflix and pretend that aliens really don’t exist.

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About the Author:

I'm a father first, and married to a wonderfully supportive spouse that works her butt off for our family every day. I'm also a writer, techno nerd, potter, and humorist. I always have more interests than I have time to explore. View My Profile

I'm an observer of the human condition, and a lifelong student. The day I stop learning, will be the day I fall over dead.
  • Dan, here’s a thought. Simply enroll your little mess-makers in the Newt Gingrich School of Toilet Cleaning. They can earn a little money and learn how to shovel s**t early in life.

    As for the cows, the jury is still out on that one, but I’d just like to know what cows ever did to aliens to cause their cruel and mysterious War on Cows. I’m glad you’re thinking deeply about this subject, because it needs deep thinking!

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  • Cher Duncombe

    After reading this (and laughing!) I think your real name is Earl and the rest of of it is a conspiracy to make us think you are Dan. Fess up!

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    • I love Jason Lee. I am actually going to go see the new Chipmunks movie, as well as The Muppets. Miss Piggy has been my heroine for as long as I can remember. And nope, it’s really me. I’ll pinch myself to prove it. Ouch! Yes, it’s moi.

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  • Dan, my afternoon of cleaning up after my 2 mess-makers was rewarded with this article. The trash can liner one, the missing one, is one of my biggest pet peeves as I am always dumping things into the trash can sans liner. I feel your pain.

    Thanks for the giggle!

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    • I can’t resist. A few years ago my son was struggling with my very large Christmas tree, up four flights of steps, and the tree kept poking him. Somehow he didn’t think my remark of, “I feel your pine.” was quite so funny as I did. I think he’s forgiven me for it.

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  • Melody, you had me laughing on that one. Yes, well someone needs to think deeply about the war on cows perpetuated by the aliens! Oh and Melody Newt is simply a Conehead with half of his brain removed, he just doesn’t know any better.

    Cher, I’ve tried hard to shake my Earlesque upbringing, I do however have plenty of Earl like relatives running around, but they don’t have Earl’s relationship with Karma.

    Yep Katy, when I’m in full swing of standing there directing mess-makers I hear a lot of “Yes sir, sergeant sir! ” coming from their little mouths. I’m not really sure where they got that from, but as long as they are helping out I won’t complain… And for the record, I was such a nice Sergeant.

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    • Dan, would you believe I am catsitting this week for a cat named Karma? We call him Karma Kitty, and he’s over 18. He’s quite handsome and in great shape for his age (I’m holding my breath till she gets back!!!). We actually have a great relationship. He’s gracious and I’m obsequious. It works for us.

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      • I think cat sitting at cat named Karma, is karma playing itself out. I love watching hanging out with our cats at night when the kids go to bed.

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  • I was closely following you from mess-makers to aliens to food, back to aliens! I wonder what the cuisine would be in Outer Space. Flying cryptic burgers served with galactic starry salads? Politicians as aliens…you know I fear politicians more than aliens. I’m pondering what to eat now…

    Loved this ^_^

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    • Thanks TJ,
      Well the Aliens as Melody pointed out have a fascination with our cows. So they may not be making them into burritos but they are probably using them in some other recipe. They like to make crop circles so maybe that is their way of gathering veggies in an artistic fashion for their salads.
      Yes, politicians should be feared because they ARE aliens, that are in charge of everything!
      And TJ, I cooked a chicken last night, so it’s chicken soup day here. 🙂

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      • Aah I do like the sound of the artistic crop circles. I mean why collect your veggies in a boring way right? How was the soup??

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      • I suppose that some of those aliens have artistic interests over world domination interests 🙂
        The soup was great, and still is with leftovers.

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    • Well, TJ, whatever you do, don’t getted mixed up and eat a politician. Most of them are terribly spoiled and can make you very ill, no matter how they are prepared. Just a friendly warning!

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  • Jen and Tonic

    I used to be the messiest and laziest child on earth, and when my mom would ask us to do something I’d say, “Why do we have to do [insert chore here]?” My mom’s reply was always, “Why do you think I had kids? Get movin’.” Now that I’m older I’m much less lazy, and feel badly about how badly my mom had to crack the whip to get me to take the dirty socks out from underneath my bed.

    Funny article!

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    • Jen, I had a stand from a grocery store that rotated in circles that I threw my cloths on in my bedroom when I was a teenager. I wasn’t into folding and putting away anything! My kids are great, but they won’t go anywhere near a chicken fried steak… sigh.

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      • Dan, as a mom you learn to pick your battles. I learned to tune out the mess (except, of course, in the kitchen). I had to have at least some order there. As for the chicken fried steak, I have a Cream of Wheat story so I understand and commiserate. [sigh]

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      • They won’t go near chicken fried steak? They sound like GREAT kids to me!

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    • Jen, good! That’s as it should be, or else all that time mothers spend guilting us would be wasted.

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  • Dan, i’ve heard of fried steak and i’ve heard of fried chicken but what the hell is chicken fried steak? Steak fried in chicken, what???

    Rick Perry’s never moving, always the same, plastic hat hair is obviously hiding a conehead, the truth is out there.

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    • Hey Garry, imagine if you will a southern fried chicken coating on a cheap piece of steak, and then you hide it with gravy. It was probably invented in a greasy out of the way restaurant when the cook wondered what would happen if he cooked a piece of round steak with the left of fried chicken batter. He may not have been impressed with how it looked and covered it with gravy. VIOLA! Chicken fried steak was born!
      I watched one of the debates that the presidential candidates attended, and if I didn’t already know that the candidates were Coneheads I would have had to conclude that the circus was in town. But after realizing they are really half brained aliens then the ridiculous crap coming from their mouths all made sense. The piles of fried eggs and six packs of Budweiser at the after the debate luncheon was also a dead giveaway.

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  • This. Is. AWESOME.

    “Well this just sucks!” says Mesloid as he realizes that he’s on the wrong end of an anal probe.—if I had a nickle for every time this has happened to me……

    I love where your stream of consciousness carries you.

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    • Thanks Rebecca! I need to be reminded from time to time to let the stream take me to wherever it leads. Because when it starts to sound like batshit crazy crap is when I’m hitting on all cylinders.

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