American Rebuttal

Robb Grindstaff Writer-Editor Saw this: To the citizens of the United States… some time back, and I penned this American Rebuttal (all tongue in cheek and in good humor/humour, of course):

The American Rebuttal to Queen Elizabeth’s letter to the citizens of the United States rescinding its independence:

In light of the blood and treasure the U.S. has expended over the past 70 years to defend the United Kingdom against Nazi Germany’s attacks and the threats of the Soviet Union, and in light of our Constitution’s requirement that we defend only ourselves, we hereby annex the U.K. and incorporate its parts as the 51st through the 53rd states: England, Scotland, and Northern Ireland.

Note: Wales will be incorporated into West Virginia where they will be more comfortable.

In defense of this action, and to smooth your citizens’ transition to freedom, we offer the following points:

1. The Divine Right of Kings ended a few centuries ago. That includes queens, too. Catch up.

2. Due to the concept of separation of church and state, the official Church of England is hereby abolished. The twelve people in the U.K. who still attend church may join an already existing denomination or choose to form their own.

3. As the royal family is clearly in the top 1% of the top 1% in terms of wealth and property, the U.S. estate tax will be applied to all royal holdings, retroactive to King James I.

4. Members of the royal family will be required to start using their last names. This helps to nip inbreeding in the bud, as well as making drivers’ licenses more personalized.

5. Royal family members may, if they choose, continue to use their titles, but bear in mind that for Americans, names like Duke, Prince, and Queenie are more often reserved for our dogs.

6. The unnecessary insertion of the extraneous letter ‘u’ in such words as ‘honor’ and ‘color’ is hereby deemed officially incorrect. However, as freedom-loving Americans, we tend to allow people to spell words however they wish, so feel free to continue to be incorrect. We’ll hardly notice.

7. Windsor Castle will be turned into a free museum to document the atrocities of monarchies around the globe and across time, with an accompanying restaurant and theme park. However, a nice double-wide mobile home in Crown Heights, Kansas, has Ms. Elizabeth’s name on it.

8. Each of the newly formed states will be allowed to select two senators and an appropriate number of Representatives to join our legislative bodies. Those newly elected officials will be required to stop referring to one another as “my esteemed colleague” and, instead, say what’s really on their minds. Some starter terms to get the politicians thinking in this new way include words such as, “Fascist, Hitler, Socialist, Communist, Stalinist, Racist, Hatemonger, Evil, Ignorant, Redneck, and Intellectual.”

9. Citizens of the U.K. will be allowed complete freedom to retain their unique and funny accents. Americans are all about funny accents. Ask anyone in Boston or Texas.

10. The National Health Plan will be replaced by private insurance. Yes, private insurance is expensive, but it does include Dental. Use it.

11. The monetary system will be immediately converted to the ‘metric’ dollar system. It’s easy to remember: dollars are for saving, pounds are for losing.

12. There will be a gradual transition of vehicles to the right side of the road. This is too major a change to expect wrong-sided drivers to make overnight. Therefore, on day one, all semi-tractor/trailers and commercial cargo vehicles will change to the right side of the road first. On day two, any remaining passenger cars and motorcycles will move to the right. The good news is that survivors will be able to buy gas for about $3.00 a gallon. The savings can be used to pay for your private health insurance. With dental.

13. Additional language changes that are required: Bonnets are worn by little old ladies. Boots are worn by young, fashionable ladies and Texas men. Fags are not smoked. That would be a hate crime.

14. On July 4th, Independence Day, in addition to hamburgers, potato salad, and fireworks, Americans will also celebrate by riding horseback through the streets of London, calling out, “The British are leaving, the British are leaving.”

15. Only football will be called football. Soccer will be called soccer, and rugby will be called men’s field hockey. Rugby players will be required to wear full pads and helmets from now on due to the potential liability from injury lawsuits.

16. British chips…well, okay. You have us there. McDonald’s will be required to replace their French fries with your chips, but they will be called Freedom Fries from now on.

17. Beer. Yeah, that too. At least until we annex Germany.

18. We drink coffee in the morning and Coke in the afternoon. Tea may be served with supper, but it’s served over ice and preferably sweetened with a half cup of sugar. Get over it. We’re adopting your beer.

19. If you call it a biscuit, the waitress will put gravy on it. Just so you know.

20. The economic benefit from this annexation is expected to be in the thousands of new jobs created in the hair styling field alone.

The Desolate Garden: Read the first 4 Chapters

The “Missing Apostrophe” Competition

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American Rebuttal, 10.0 out of 10 based on 4 ratings
Posted in: Articles, Creative, Humor

About the Author:

I am 62 years old and embarking on another journey through life. I have been a London Policeman, a Publican, a mini cab business owner and a London Taxi Driver. 5 years ago, whilst at work, a lorry ran into the side of me and effectively put me out of work for almost three years, I've recovered now and back driving. Whilst I was laid up, I started to think of a story which turned into a Book that I sent off to various Literary Agents. I was fortunate in finding one that liked my tale. He sent it to the top fifteen publishers in that genre bur no one wanted me or my story. The agent did not give up on me, although I'm sure after my attempts on the internet he might have hoped that he'd done so, he encouraged me to write another. THE DESOLATE GARDEN a spy/murder/love story is due to be published shortly, starting, I hope, a new career in writing.
  • Cher Duncombe

    Danny, I laughed all the way through this! It is so clever and truly funny. I think I laughed all the more because my now deceased in-laws were from London. Though they lived in the States for more than 50 years, they never lost their British accent, nor their British ways. When I married into this family, it was deemed that I must learn the Tea Ceremony. Every day promptly at 4:00 we had tea and “biscuits.” I always felt as though I had a foot in both countries. Thanks for the laughs…and what exactly is the problem with the British and their teeth?

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  • Thanks Cher, I’m only too pleased that you enjoyed it. The teeth thing: We have a National Health Service that is free to everyone, this includes Dentistry however, you can’t find many Dentists that offer free services.

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  • Danny -- this was great! I’m with Cher, I laughed through this whole thing. I have an affinity for Britain, it’s something that’s been with me since I was young (and I am of Irish heritage -- such an American thing to say, huh?)
    #5 and #10 got me laughing out loud. 🙂

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  • I’m pleased that it had you going Katy. It’s strange, I’ve been on three American Radio broadcasts and I feel more at home on them than I do at home here in England.

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