Where Does Low Self-Esteem Come From?
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Do you know someone with low self-esteem? Do they blame their mother?
Self-esteem is not something that only affects adults. It’s a life time tug-of-war, beginning at birth, between how we see our self and how we
believe the world sees us.
Do you think it matters if people see us as “the cup half empty”, instead of the “glass half-full”?
I used to believe it was. I would measure my worth on how other people treated me. What was the end result? Not so good.
As a kid with ADHD, my mom sent me daily subliminal messages that I interpreted as; “this girl is unlovable”. It wasn’t my mom’s fault. I was a difficult child and maybe my mother wasn’t the best one to raise me do to her temperament and less-than-perfect patience, but we both did the best that we could to get along. Unfortunately, years of playing the black sheep in my family took its toll and my self-esteem suffered.
I think it even influenced who I chose for a marriage partner. The man was controlling and emotionally abusive but in a strange way, he reminded me of my mother. In my subconscious, he was “home” and that is what attracted me to him. After 13 unhappy years, of allowing him to make me feel ‘less than’, I sought help. I thought I was seeing someone for depression, but this expert diagnosed me with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and treated me with EMDR.
I think of the treatment as a “re-boot”. Like a computer, our brains hold memories and store them away. Like a computer that eventually shuts down, our brain can’t work up to full capacity, because the files or memory chips have been stored in all the wrong places. EMDR is the re-boot that gets the person on the right track, re-organizing the misplaced files into the correct folders.
I learned that my low self-esteem was partly due to my temperament, partly due to years of emotional abuse, and partly due to me seeing myself using a mirror filled with cracks. The cracks were collected over the years; placed by every criticism, every roll of the eye, every insult.
After EMDR, I began loving myself again, and two years later, I divorced my husband.
Do I still struggle with low self-esteem?
Sometimes, but I think it’s a life-long journey and we have to keep working at being our own best friend. This is just my own opinion.
Heck, I’m a writer so what do I know?
That’s why I researched the topic today and wrote another post on my own blog that I named, “Building Your Child’s Self Esteem”. That article references experts and gives parenting tips to help children develop and recover from lost self-esteem.
If you know a child, or someone raising a child, who is struggling with low self-esteem, I hope you will share that article.
And remember: “The best mirror is an old friend.”~Proverb
Learn how to become your own best-old- friend and see yourself using a mirror without cracks. Just sayin’…
Where Does Low Self-Esteem Come From?,
Tags: adhd, black sheep, brains, correct folders, cracks, emotional abuse, end result, life time, low self esteem, marriage partner, memory chips, patience, post traumatic stress, post traumatic stress disorder, strange way, subconscious, subliminal messages, temperament, traumatic stress disorder, tug of war
Luanne -- Great article. I am one that may not have the best self-esteem, even today, but I just figuring out why and changing certain patterns and exterior elements that I will help me become a stronger individual. People can control how you think about yourself and discovering how to no longer listen or accept what they say is key.
I am happy to hear you obtained your freedom and discovered how to be happy with yourself. We are all special and no matter how we are or were treated shouldn’t diminish that -- ever!
Excellent article and recommendation. I will be very interested in the comments you receive. I understand the issue of growing up feeling less than qualified. I have often wondered how two individuals who grew up in same environment, one growing up with cup half empty attitude and the other growing up optimistic. The attitudes followed them into their careers and home life. I look forward to the new comments.
Thanks Frank! Isn’t it true that everyone is somehow touched or can identify with “growing” pains. They either were tagged “Dennis the Menace”, like me or “Perfect Pure Polly Purebred”, like my sister.
Imagine the damage in my “memory filing” when I had years of hearing, “why can’t you be like your sister” or my ex saying “You won’t divorce me. You’d never make it on your own.”
Well, for the record, Dennis the Menace played with fun friends and Pure Polly’s friends were dull in comparison. And if any one cares, my ex was wrong. Despite unemployment (from a 15 year teaching career); I’m doing all right. My writing is taking speed and I’m working on my first book for me, not someone else. Guess what it’s called? ‘Re-boot’ and it tells my story. Hope it will be an interesting read! Thanks for leaving me the comment and I’m interested in seeing how people react to the article as well!
You’re right Katy. But being one’s own best friend can be challenging if the person was subjected to excessive criticism growing up. Challenging doesn’t mean it can’t be done. I’m living proof! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! Appreciate that!
I find this subject so interesting, Luanne. You brought up so many issues to consider. I admire your ability to move to your own nourishing mirror. I was recently with a family member who is stuck in the past, and it has become toxic to all those around her. Oddly, she is a counselor and one would think she would practice what she preaches. Unfortunately, that is often not the case. For my own well-being, I need to limit my time with her. She uses her lack of self-esteem to inflict pain onto others. “Hurting people hurt people,” I once read. Toxins are just that and she literally drains the life-force out of me. Thanks for this wonderful article. Perhaps…one day she will read your advice.
Thank you Cher for sharing…maybe she would benefit from EMDR? Being in the field, I’m sure she has heard of it. But you’re right; if she doesn’t want to help herself --limit ‘toxin-time’ in your world!
Wow a lot of good comments here. Great article as well. It isn’t easy to heal. @Cher I too, avoid toxic people, and it took me so long to figure that out. Some people are stuck and I don’t know what it is exactly that helps them to move forward? I do know how incredibly difficult it is to heal from abuse. At some point you have to take responsibility for who you are today and make a conscious decision to overcome whatever you were brought up with. Some people never figure that part out, or worse repeat the abusive cycle. Like Luanne i spent 16 years in an abusive relationship only to discover I had married my mother… (home indeed). But I did leave and take the steps necessary to begin my healing. The thing about being abused is, that even when you start the healing process… the normal things in life that should be… hurt you… like insult to injury. I guess I better explain that a bit further… for instance, it was incredibly difficult for me raising my children and as they grew and developed there were things and events in their lives that I was of course part of… but… it was always bittersweet… because… in almost every instance while I was excited and happy for which ever child it was, I was also incredibly sad for the memory that I was alone in all those milestones, and you cannot help but be reminded. I in particular, remember attending two of our boys elementary graduations… and as each sweet little child took the stage to talk of what they hope to one day become… I wept… my mother didn’t even attend my elementary graduation.. and it was my bus driver who took the time to make me a dress to wear for the occasion. But… hey.. thank goodness for my bus driver, who with that awesome unselfish act taught me, what it was to care. So at every turn raising my children I was faced with what was done to me, versus what is the right thing to do, and it hurt so much to realize how horribly I had been treated. I like to think that I chose to do the right thing in nearly every instance? smiles. I suppose only my children can attest to that. Luckily, they do. That said… not all are strong enough to confront the pain that comes with healing and change. So sadly they repeat the cycle and the anger.. (toxic indeed). I have a quote.. it is on my blog.. and I post it on every poet site I have ever belonged to.. “It is not enought to survive… we must thrive and share in order to effect change” Dani Heart. I think those of us who survive abuse have to try and light the way for others to heal and change as well. So we have to be that beacon that says if I can do it.. you can too. While my self esteem issues clearly were due to abuse, there are some personalities that for whatever reason see the glass half empty versus full, and that is a big challenge as a parent to try to raise that child with a healthy self-esteem. but there are answers for those of us who choose to look for them. Great article… great comments.
Thanks for sharing Dani and I love that quote! It’s good to give pain a purpose, don’t ya’ think?
There is a great book called, “What You Think of Me Is None of My Business”, by Terry Cole-Whittaker. I never read the book, but I think of it whenever I am tempted to take myself at someone else’s face value. Actually thanks to my good parents, I didn’t have too many negative self-images to overcome. I was loved and encouraged and very lucky, as I now see. When I get really down on myself, I remind myself that God loves me, and He’s a pretty good judge of character. Of course, I have also done scads of work on myself and still consider myself a work in progress, but a Good work! Always believe the good stuff about yourself!
What a great article! Self-esteem issues play a role in so many of today’s problems. I’m glad you found the help you needed and are able to share it with others.
What an interesting article!
I have suffered from low self-esteem pretty much my whole life. I blamed everyone in the beginning: my parents, my peers, the media, my teachers. Did they have a profound effect on me psychologically? Undoubtedly. Do I have the right to blame them for all of my ills in life? Yes and no.
It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized I was giving these people way too much control over my life. Allowing someone else’s ideas of me to supersede my own is a sobering thought. I’ve been kicking that habit to the curb for the last 4 years.
Is it an easy process? Not at all. Can it be done? Absolutely.
Thanks Jen for commenting. You’re 100% right: “It’s not an easy process…Can it be done? Absolutely.”
So much is being learned about the brain’s plasticity and how we can ‘re-wire’ connections that are improperly placed.It takes work-but it can definitely be done! I’m living proof!
Hi, Luanne,
Great article. Have you seen the blog on HuffingtonPost.com about self-compassion? I think that’s another overlooked and under-nurtured value. I’m glad you’re coming out stronger.